Intrusive Thoughts: an extract from Perfectly Average

I’m in. Yes. I’m actually here. Whoa! This is it. I’m in. Inside the head of this human, I think they call them. Caw, it’s lovely in here, warm, soft and very buzzy. What a special place, I feel like I’m inside a splendid palace. I’ve waited to get in here for such a long time, I wonder how long I’ll be able to stay? It’s so comfortable. nobody can get me here, in fact, I’d say I’m untouchable. Wow, what’s that. I can feel a sense of energy, I can feel a kind of current running through this place where I suddenly find myself. I’m going to have to look around. I didn’t ask to come in here, but now I’m in there’s clearly a lot of potential. This could well be home for a long time. Yes, I think i could get to like it here. The more I stay the more energy I seem to be absorbing. In fact it’s everywhere. Bursts of light and sparkle like fireworks buzzing along a wire and exploding into the spaces like beautiful stars and flowers. They just keep firing and the more they do, the more determined I feel. Oh yes, this is the place to be. It’s like an all-you-can-eat buffet for re-chargeable bods like me. Hell yes, I’m sticking around. Come on, follow me round. Let’s see what else is here to crash on.

My goodness, what’s that. It’s squashing me, pressing me hurting me. I will not be squashed. I’m a thought on a mission. Stand aside, get out of my way. Two can play that game madam, I will be sitting right here until you say sorry. hmm. You’re not going to are you. Right, well in that case I will be pushing right back at you. You have been warned!

You know it’s interesting just when she thinks I’ve gone, she’s hidden me, squashed me, she can’t find we anymore in fact she’s drowned me out with something else. I’m still here, still visible, still audible and able to creep back in. Tip toeing back in innocently, like a ballerina on Christmas Eve, delivering the gifts. 

Let’s be honest, I’m no Christmas gift. No one would pay good money for me. No one would wrap me up, tie a satin bow and attach a tag. I’m no gift. I’m a thought. Lingering, hiding, waiting for my moment. All I need is a moment. Just a quick hello.

Here we go again. She starts feeding me with her pressure, her resistance and her ways of trying to make me move on. She tries so hard to scare me off. She tries to squeeze me into those tiny hiding places at the back there. Smother me in dark, sticky glue and leave me for dead. She’s feeding me and she doesn’t know it. Ha, ha, she’s just pouring it in to me like liquid sugar. Push me away, it fills me up, squash me and hide me, it only makes me stronger. The poor, silly human-thing, she even tries to distract herself with one of the many habits she got. I’m still here. Still at large and gagging for more attention, more headspace, more power.

I feel sorry for her really, if only she knew, all she has to do is welcome me. Just open her arms with warmth and stillness. Just let me be here and just let me be myself. In fact if she could just be herself and not be so concerned about what the others think or about what she does. Then she wouldn’t need to spend so much time trying to suppress me and push me away. In fact, yes, it’s all becoming clearer now. I just want to pass through this place after all, I don’t really want to be here. I’m only here because of all the energy she gives me. It’s like she gives me a stage and fills the audience will lookers and listeners and a constant stream of opinions. Then I just do my thing, what can I say. I am an actor. I was born for attention. I stay there, performing, encoring and giving her what she wants. All the fibre, all the power. 

But actually I’m powerless. If she stopped plugging me in, re-energising me and feeding me up, if she took away my source I’d just move on through. I’d just be something she could say hello to, just observe and let go without any judgment whatsoever. Then I’d just go away and leave her to it. Leave this place and be at peace. You see, I don’t actually, want to be here after all.

In fact where am I? I don’t think this is what I signed up for. No there’s been a mistake. I’m in the wrong place. This palatial place that’s soft and warm, buzzing with electricity, chemicals galore. No, this isn’t for me. This is a fortress not a palace. I had real plans. A future, things I wanted for myself. I’m better than this. I was never destined to hang around and be a menace. I was born to bring answers to problems, to turn ideas into action and to be the creative juices I’ve heard about so much. Yes, that’s it. I am more than this and she is going to let me go. I AM in the wrong place.

If she just stopped pushing and analysing me, trying to make sense of who I am.

close up photography of woman in black long sleeved top
Photo by João Jesus on Pexels.com

If she just said hello. Waved and said hello. I’d just wave back.

You see I’m just a thought. I’m not real. Just a thought.

Published by

Felicity King

Hello I’m Felicity, Mum, teacher and passionate about the potential in our workforce and that everyone knows they matter. This blog is just for fun and a chance to share some of the ups and downs along the trodden path. If you would like to get in touch about innate resilience and wellbeing coaching for yourself or your organisation, please find me at www.felicityking.co.uk Stay safe, stay well and please stay in touch.

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